


Alternate Scene: Scones

by Python07



Series: Still Kingsman [6]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015), Still Game (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Gen, spoilers for ep 1.6: Scones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 12:26:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5928279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Python07/pseuds/Python07
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate scene for ep 1.6: Scones</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alternate Scene: Scones

**Author's Note:**

> Dialogue borrowed from the ep marked w/*

“What do you make of that prick, eh?” Jack asked just before he grabbed his jacket and stepped out of the bathroom stall. “Running out of the lavvy. Stealing her bloody purse.*”

Victor finished at the urinal. “I know. He’s a useless deadbeat, isn’t he?*”

Jack shook his head. “It’s a waste of…*” 

“Help!” a voice shouted. “Gie us a hand!*”

Jack and Victor looked at each other and then glanced around the bathroom. There didn‘t appear to be anyone else in there except them. “Harry, is that you?*” Victor asked.

“Gie us a dig oot!*” Harry yelled in a panic.

Jack and Victor looked around the corner to see Harry’s head trapped in the bathroom window. He was on the window ledge on his hands and knees, his arse sticking out. One of his hands clutched Isa’s purse. 

Jack bared his teeth in a fierce smile. He fished his lighter out of his pocket and held it up for Victor to see. He was about to flick it on and stick it in Harry’s pocket.

Victor grabbed Jack’s wrist. He shook his head and whispered, “Put that away.”

“Gie us out!” Harry wailed.

Jack rolled his eyes and mouthed why.

Because Victor mouthed back. He took the lighter from Jack’s hand and put it back in Jack’s pocket.

Harry squirmed some more but it was no use. “Please!”

Jack’s evil grin was back. He nudged Victor and pointed to a mop propped up against the wall. “Aye…nae bother, Harry. We’ll give you a wee shove.*”

Victor’s matched. He grabbed the handle at the same time as Jack and they moved back a couple steps to get a good run up to their target. “Aye. We’ll give you a push, Harry.*”

A minute later, they left a wailing Harry stuck in the window. They returned Isa’s purse and then suggested they all go for a pint at the Clansman. Afterwards, they saw Isa to her flat and then went to Jack’s to watch a little telly before bed.

Jack brought two cans of lager from the kitchen. He handed one to Victor sitting on the couch. He sank down into his easy chair. He popped the top on his can. “What are we watchin’?”

Victor did the same and took a healthy swallow. “What do ye think? Executive Caveman or When Good Animals Go Bad?”

“I cannae do Executive Caveman. I always feel I lose IQ points after watching it.” Jack hummed thoughtfully. “How about UK Samurai Warrior?”

Victor waved that off. “No, the host is a wanker.”

Jack took a drink and set his can to the side. He nodded. “You’re right. He is a wanker.”

Victor waved at the television. “And that boy from Maryhill was eliminated last week. I cannae cheer for any of the remaining arseholes.”

“When Good Animals Go Bad it is then.” Jack took his pipe from his pocket. “Speaking of arseholes.”

Victor flipped to the proper channel and put the remote on the coffee table. He looked at Jack expectantly. “Speaking of arseholes what?”

Jack stuck the pipe between his lips and lit it. He puffed on it for a moment before answering, “Why did ye stop me from givin’ that arsehole Harry what he deserved?”

Victor rolled his eyes. “Harry may be a deadbeat…”

Jack blew the smoke out and interrupted, “Who is a thief and left Isa potless in the first place and only comes back for money.” 

“Aye. He’s a leech. Still, blowing him up is a bit drastic, isn’t it?”

“Maybe,” Jack allowed. “But it would put an end to the problem once and for all. We both know he’ll be back.”

“Still not worth killing over, Jack.” Victor snickered and held his hands up. “Can you imagine the headline? Pensioner blown up in café lavvy.” 

Jack shrugged. “Could always say it was a gas leak.”

Victor leaned forward and tapped Jack’s knee. “Do you really want to explain to Merlin why Kingsman ordinance was used in such a way? That lighter is for protection, nothing more.”

Jack grunted. “I’m nae afraid of my own boy, Victor.”

Victor leaned back again and took a drink of his lager. “It’s not worth the headache.”

Jack puffed away contentedly on his pipe. “Aye, I suppose it’s not.”


End file.
